


On the Borderline - Songfic

by ElfArmyEnby (Hbbear09)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enby Deceit, Implied/Referenced Enbyphobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Mentioned Patton Sanders - Freeform, Nongraphic Panic Attack, Past Unrequited Moxiety, Past unrequited love, Refered to death of self, Unrequited Love, no actual death though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21719485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hbbear09/pseuds/ElfArmyEnby
Summary: A story about nb!dee leaving behind their past life for a future with hope, inspired by “On the borderline”
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	On the Borderline - Songfic

_I'm standing on the borderline_

_What should I bring or leave behind_

_From who I was_

_For who I'm gonna be?_

\---

It was time to leave. They couldn’t spend a minute more in this stuffy, judgmental town.

A chance to start over, to create a new version of themself. Leave **him** for dead. They got to move on. But, what was *them*, who where *they*?

\---

_I still haven't packed my bags_

_It's time to go_

_And I could not care less_

_So now, I’ll miss the train_

_A walk’s still progress made_

_I just won't arrive quite as fast_

\---

Packing almost seemed pointless but dutifully they shove what few possessions they care about into a duffel bag and backpack. There was more left behind than what they brought with them, but such could be said about all aspects of their life. Time to hit the road, they had places to go. Destination undecided. 

\---

_I’m thinking way back_

_To where I'm from_

_To the things I had_

_I feel I’ve forgotten something_

_I’m sure that it's probably nothing_

_But that’s based more on fear than on fact_

\---

The drive was soothing, country zipping by just them and whatever music was on the radio. Now that they’re gone they can only think of what they must have forgotten there, was there something important left behind? No, they were careful, anything of meaning is with them. That town, the shouting, the outrage, outdated beliefs, it’s behind them. Anything forgotten can be replaced. 

\---

_I'm standing on the borderline_

_Between two states- I'm petrified_

_To push ahead or turn back homewardly_

\---

The first gas station stop gives them pause; are they really doing this? It seems crazy. They’ve never felt so free. Back home, well it was awful, but there was good, and familiarity among the muck. Forward, nobody knows, but there is that hope of something better. Of being themself. 

\---

_I'm a shadow of the past_

_The shadow of a boy_

_A boy who couldn't last_

_They said: “Son, don't change”_

_And I keep hoping they won't see how much I have_

\---

No. I am not that person anymore they think. That boy is gone. Their family acted like they’d stolen a son from them by being themself. That felt wrong. That boy is a shadow of who they are now, or who they will be. 

\---

_A feeling’s not a thing you own_

_But it can be lost_

_I just want to be home_

_‘Cause home's where the heart is_

_And when I departed_

_I might’ve abandoned them both_

\---

There were good things. They stare once again at the road and trees passing by. Patton. They’d loved him. Their heart ached from it. But, well, Patton was afraid. He’d felt safe, like home. Patton didn’t feel the same about Dee. That was it for them. Nothing good remained in that town. There is that small… perhaps not so small, fear of never finding that sense of home again. It made their heart ache worse than any unrequited love, or hateful family. 

\---

_I'm standing on the borderline_

_Between two states-- I'm petrified_

_I'm standing on the borderline_

_What should I bring or leave behind_

_From who I was_

_For who I'm gonna be?_

\---

Holy shit this was a bad idea. Dee can hardly breathe. They pulled onto the shoulder of the road, having a goddamn panic attack. At least it felt like one. They were okay, they were fine. Its fine. They’re safe. They guess. It’s okay. It’d be great if they could leave behind the panic attacks. No. They’re okay. Time to move on. 

\---

_I’d like to say: “I’m the same person from yesterday_

_Nothing’s changed”_

\---

But thats not true, they’ve changed so much. Not a boy, not a fool, not longer wrapped up in stupid fearful teachings. 

\---

_‘Cause yesterday I was eager to see what awaited_

_I wasn’t jaded_

\---

But, before, there was that innocence. So excited for **his** future. Not scorned by the hate of those they held most dear. Ones they’ve abandoned, dear no longer. 

\--- 

_But no!_

_I can’t go back_

\---

They can’t go back to being that person. It’d kill them. They are so much better than **he** could ever be, trapped in that mindset. 

\---

_Youth seemed sweeter_

_But if I could return, all I’ve learned would be forfeit_

_I won’t go back_

\---

It had felt happy in the moment, but really it had been stifling. They’ve learned so much. They can’t return to that. 

\---

_I’m followed by the borderline as I pace forward in my life_

_Seeking the times I’ll long for once they leave me_

\---

They later learned that the line, the invisible border of past and future followed them. They just kept going forward. Along the way they’d found friends, understanding. As they continued to walk they sought out those times. Moments of joy in the journey. And they were found.

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory "I don't own these lyrics"  
> I adore this song though and this fic reflects my interpretation of the lyrics.  
> I'm shit at responding to comments but I read and cherish every one.


End file.
